Have you ever been broken? I don't mean have you ever had a broken heart because of a lost relationship, the death of a loved one, or some other misfortune. Although that is a form of being broken, it's not the form I'm talking about. What I'm talking about is a form of brokenness because you've realized the utter depths of sin that engulf you. I'm talking about reaching a point in your life of total despair and gut-wrenching longing to simply be washed clean of all of your ugliness. It's a place of brokenness that only the Holy Spirit can bring you to and He does so in His loving kindness. Doesn't sound much like love, but trust me, it's nothing more precious than to have your heavenly Father reveal to you this secret...He longs to change us from the inside out. This is a place that I've been in for nearly 3 years.
I have a love/hate relationship with brokenness. On one hand, I love being here because I know that it's part of God's plan for my life. I committed myself fully to Him and His will for my life. I was not satisfied with anything that this world had to offer me. I knew the presence of God and what serving Him would mean. I don't mean just going to church on Sunday and the occasional Wednesday night. I mean, fully committing my life and will to doing what God has called me to do. I mean taking a stand and saying that I want to be different than I once was. I cried out to Him and said, "That's it. If you'll take this mess and make it a ministry, I'll do everything I can to please You." So you know what He did. He listened. He began to strip away at the layers of sin that I had accumulated and brought me to a place of utter abandon to Him. Being broken is the stripping away of all of me, the emptying me of all of my fleshly desires so that I can be filled with all of Him. This is where the "hate" part comes into play. It's one of the most painful experiences I've ever been through. It's saying goodbye to that old, comfortable place of living in the world where everything is safe and saying hello to a very uncomfortable place of total abandon to God's will.
There have been times over the past couple of years when it would have been a heck of a lot easier to turn back, to give up, to walk away and do things my own way. But because of God's word I know His promises for those who are faithful to Him. These past 3 years have been, at times, the loneliest moments of my life. But that too is all part of His plan. I know that through this intensely painful loneliness He's drawing me closer to Him. I know that He's tuning my ear to be able to hear when He whispers. I know that these moments of feeling like He is so far away are the moments when He is actually the closest to me. And in that I find comfort.
I believe that when I cried out to Him, He immediately planted a seed within me that He's watered and watched grow. Now He's pruning it. Now He's making me into the woman He wants me to be. We can't always live on the mountain tops. We're told that we will face struggles and hard times, but we also have the promise of victory. It's in these moments of despair that we can rest assured that our heavenly Father is not walking beside us but carrying us. So I will press forward with my eyes focused on the prize. My prize, your prize, is Jesus. That's where the victory rests. I've come to a place of utter abandon to Him, and while that requires a season of brokenness, I wouldn't have it any other way.
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